What I've really been doing for the last month.

I'm not really homesick yet, although I do miss my mom. More for her support than her actual presence, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. The essence of my mom is what I am missing right now. The unconditional love and support and *faith* she has in me. She always says that everything I cook is delicious. And she always tells me I am talented when she sees what I've sewn or knit. A regular person might only see the plainness or the flaws or simply not care, but she only sees accomplishment. Not because she's just being nice, but because she knows how hard I've worked and how important it is to me. And sometimes, that's all you really need, you know? Someone else to be proud with you, of you. To make it easier for you to keep forging ahead. To not give up after many failures. To have faith in yourself.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into one about my mom but now I'm thinkin' about her and all that and here it is. So, I guess what I've been doing all month is trying to accomplish things to make myself feel proud - by myself. To restore faith in myself - by myself. To find some source of encouragement that I'm on the right track, that I'm doing it right. That I can do it, in the first place. All from within.

Ya'll, I'm exhausted. I know now, even more than before, why we surround ourselves with people who love and care about us. Because we need their faith to help carry us through the rough patches. We need their encouragement as a source of motivation to finish the task at hand. To avoid becoming cynical and sour. Being your own source for these essential and real emotional and psychological bolsters is exhausting.


My mom's own mother, my grandmother, died when my Mom was the age that I am now, 31.  She has not been able to receive encouragement from her mother for the last 20+ years. It has only been a month here and I have been missing it already.


I wrote her an email yesterday telling her a little about how I've been feeling. Her response wasn't very long but it was just right.

She concluded with:

"I love you more than you will ever know and pray for you all the time... Be confident because you are doing what God has called you to... "

Thank you, mom. I needed that.

Hejjo's Baptism, 6 years ago.