Friday, March 30, 2012

Finding Help!

I'm at home right now. By myself. No kids.

I took the kids to Target earlier. All 4 of them. That is why they are not here and I am.

No, they are not still at Target, by themselves. They are at my mom's house. Because we went to Target, all 5 of us, and then, they needed to be dropped off at my mom's house. That's right. They *needed* to be dropped off.

What am I going to do in Poland on days like these? Simple. I won't be going to Target, by myself, with all 4 kids, ages 6 and under, because there is no Target in Krakow. Problem solved, yeah?

But there is a castle, a pretty cool one. And there are Aquariums. And there is an amazing zoo in a beautiful part of town and lots of parks and public squares... and I bet there will be days when I take all 4 of them to these places, alone, just as I do now, and when we leave I will feel like I need to drop them off somewhere... or else...

Funny thing. My mom, the woman who I called and asked if I could just swing by and drop off 4 more kids to add to her own 5, totaling 9 children in all that she is now responsible for, all between the ages of 16 months and 14...she, my mom, is the one that keeps asking me if I'm going to have "help" in Poland.

Help?  I don't have "help" now do I? I don't have a nanny or a cook, or a driver or a gardener (a gardener, a man/woman who's sole responsibility is to keep your "grounds" looking lovely...awesome), I don't have a personal assistant or a handy man. I unclog my own sinks and change my own diapers (well, not *my* diapers, you know, the kids diapers, heads out of the gutter people). I learn the fancy Polish recipes and slop that stuff into our family bowls every night, all on my own. I don't need no stinkin' help!

Oh my goodness gracious in heaven where the sun shines all day and never is there a frown I am such a liar. A big fat liar. I need help!

I need someone who I can call at the end of a Target trip and demand that they take my kids so that I don't throw them to the next pack of wolves that I see with the intention of those wolves raising them however they see fit, because I am done! Better yet, I need someone who stays home with my kids while I go to Target so I can buy myself one t-shirt, one frakkin' t-shirt!, that fits and that isn't stained so that I can leave the house in the morning not looking like a bag lady! (no offense to bag ladies)

So, the other day, Martin says to me... he says...

"In Poland, do you want a cook, a housekeeper, a nanny, or a personal assistant."

(pause)  (deep breath) (look around to make sure he's talking to me, no, no, 10pm, in our bedroom, no one else here really) (so, he is talking to me) (ok, is he serious? he looks serious. I think he might be serious) (ohmygoshdidhejustaskifiwantedacookoranannyoraPERSONALASSISTANT?!?!)

(compose yourself, Olivia, we're trying to have a civilization here)

My response.
"Well, Martin, I think it would make sense if we tried in the beginning to hire someone a couple days a week, a few hours at a time to help me run errands and assist me with going out to museums and places with the kids just in case something comes up and I don't know all the right words, or we get lost or something. So I guess someone like a personal assistant, who can also just watch the kids sometimes when I need a break, and who doesn't mind making them lunch some days or helping me do the laundry." Of course, I can do the cooking and the housework myself, I do it all now. So just someone to generally help with the other stuff. Know what I mean?

(pause) (deep breath) (what's he thinking?) (did he catch on that I just basically said that I wanted all of those things rolled into one person at my every beck and call? did he?! did he?!!)

 (come ON, say something....!!!)

"So you kind of just want someone around to help out generally and sort of be on call for a certain amount of time each week for "whatever." "

(YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, exactly!!!!!)

"Yeah, something like that, you know, or whatever."

"Sounds good. We'll look into it as soon as we get there."

See what I did there?  Pure genius, right?

All of this to ensure that my children will be saved from the fate they would have endured today had my mother not answered the phone and said "yes" when I was more than ready to hand my children over to perfectly wild animals in order to remain in good standing with the law. *That's* how badly I need help some days.

P.S. Thank you to my mother who took the kids without a moment's notice and is probably feeding them right now even though you weren't planning on it. You are being awarded points in heaven. I am sure of it.

P.P.S. I am now going to "Post" this and go pick them up... because Martin says I have to.


  1. I'm forgiving him for making you pick up the kids because HE IS GETTING YOU A PERSONAL ASSISTANT FOR WHATEVER FOR X NUMBER OF HOURS PER WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Exactly. If your husband begins the sentence with, "would you like a cook, a maid, or a PA," you have to pretty much forgive him everything.

  2. Awesome. That's all I have to say: awesome.

  3. Not having anywhere to drop them off, that's going to be hard to get used to. We've never dropped our kids off anywhere (!) because we are you (in a few months)- far away from anybody who is family. Fortunately in Krakow you have a pretty good chance of finding a capable student who speaks English and can help you out with errands and teach you how to get around the city. You may be able to get some help around the house too.

    About the time you are coming here, we are going there. It'll be a first meet for my kids and their grandparents. Fingers crossed :)

    1. A college student is exactly what we have in mind. Hopefully one who also doesn't mind doing a little tutoring.

      The first time to meet the grandparents!! How exciting! (and nerve wracking) We'll be thinking of you... what a long time to be away from "home."