Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Why you no return to the America, sad lady?

I promised this post to Kasia a while back. I kept putting it off, writing something and rewriting something, and it was never satisfactory so I'll just post what I have. You can all read the lines, in between the lines. etc.
It's a long answer but also very simple.

Why I'm stickin' it out...

The short: I said I would do this. I committed. I knew that this was our destination before Martin and I were married. *I didn't marry an American. I married a Pole. Who loves Poland. Who can't imagine not raising his children here. Who can't imagine his children not having the same memories, the same feelings, the same love for their country as he does. I have to do this. I have to. I said "yes".  This is not a reason that makes the days easier. This is only the reason why I haven't demanded that we pack this whole family up and catch the next flight out.

The reason that makes the days easier. There is no reason. There is only a feeling that this is right. I get that feeling when we talk about our house. When we stand on our property and imagine what we will have. Sometimes I get an overwhelmed, unable to breathe feeling about building an entire structure here, with a mortgage...sometimes, the house is too much. And sometimes, it is what keeps me going.

 The traditions here, centering around the Church are beautiful. I get a wonderful feeling, knowing that my children will know that November 1st is not just the day after Halloween but a religious holiday where we remember our ancestors and our shared faith. And then sometimes the traditions overwhelm me. They are not my traditions. We are Catholic but I didn't grow up with them, in America. I don't understand the symbolism of every wreath of flowers or every song that is chanted, and I have no emotional attachment to them... I can just smile and nod and think, "good for them".And it is good for them.

It feels great knowing that it won't cost me an entire month's paycheck to get an x-ray and a consultation. I don't like that if I need some sort of specialized care that they'll pencil me in sometime in the next 9 months. I love that good, fresh food, is so cheap here. We spend almost $300 less a month on food because most of it comes from inside the country. And that's how it should be. I don't like that the food has begun to all taste the same. I hate dill and I am not fond of parsley and I might throw up if I eat another piece of pork. But my family is eating so much healthier, and we can have our own chickens! Our own eggs!

I know that my husband can flourish professionally here. It has taken some time but now he is actually working on starting his own company. His dream ever since we married, and Poland is the best place for it, for him, at the moment.

Sigh. I'm not here for me, Kasia. At least, not yet. There is no good reason for me to be here at all. I have 5 (6) other people that are here for very good reasons, that don't always include me directly. But all the same, they are my people, the most important people. They're here. I said I would bring them. So I'm here, and I'm staying.

During the darkest times I focus on what is most important, and if I'm honest with myself, none of the most important things have anything to do with what country I'm living in.  My faith, my relationship with my husband, and my children. Those things must come first. My unhappiness is mine to deal with, it is mine to conquer. My only responsibility is to figure out how I can be happy right here, right now, no matter what my circumstance, no matter where I am living. This is, I believe, the only right thing to do. I cannot control what happens tomorrow or 6 months from now I can only control how I react to this time and place. My biggest failing during this whole endeavor has been my inability to be content with what I have, which is much more glorious and amazing than I deserve. Let me say that again. I deserve none of this. None of these wonderful people, none of this perfect health, none of this abundance. I haven't earned any of it and I sure as heck fail often at being grateful enough for it. I'm here because Someone, (not naming names), but Someone thinks that perhaps I need to fully realize what I do have and what is really important and to just let go of all those things that I think I need in order to be happy.

You have to have a "why" that is worth it, you know? And you have to have the courage to muscle on even when you're scared shitless, not because of the language or culture barriers, but because of the person you are becoming, the good and the bad. It's scary. You have to have support and friends, and people who smile when they see you. Who want you to be a part of their life now, regardless of how different your pasts may be. You have to have something that is your own, that you build and take pride in, that you feel connected to (I'm still working on this one, I know it would help). You have to make yourself belong and most importantly, recognize when you do. (this is the hardest for me)

I could go on and on. All of this is easy to say on the good days and if I were to read it on the bad days I would probably throw my computer against the wall. Because I've heard it all from my husband lots, I've said it to myself enough, but that doesn't make the "going through it" any easier.

Kasia, you're not weird for being unhappy, and you're not selfish for being unhappy. You're normal, and you're human and you're doing something very difficult. You are grieving as though someone has died and you are as anxious and overwhelmed as a first time mother.  America is wonderful and full of wonderfulness, and just oozes wonderfulality. But it's not your home. And that is all that matters.


And for the masses, and because I am feeling so much better since we went and heard the heartbeat...


baby#52 001
12/13 weeks

*It's important for me to remember that I married someone who is Polish. This has been difficult for me because Martin is as "American" as they come. When I met him I didn't know he was Polish until he told me (he told me within the first 5 minutes but I wouldn't have known otherwise). We grew up together, in America. He spent most of his life in America, most of that time we knew each other and were good friends. We were American together, dang it, livin' the life we always knew together, just like always, since we were 14!! And now, I'm the American wife, and he is the Polish husband, in a country foreign to me and all of a sudden "home" to him. There are times when I get angry that he can be so American and yet have such a strong desire to be here, thinking it would be so much easier if he would just give it up and decide that he's an American who was raised partly in Poland and hopes to pass down his heritage to his kids (that last sentence is going to make him ill). I don't understand this internal struggle. It is unique to people like him. I cannot relate. That's hard. Even harder to articulate. But it's important, so I had to add it in.

P.S. Because this post needs to be even longer... we are going to Texas soon. very soon. And we are staying for a long time. You would think I would be excited, and parts of me are, but I am also very anxious. Ugh. Who knew that deciding to go home would be so hard? Perhaps I am just screwy in the head. You all have my permission to think this.

15 comments:

  1. Hi Olivia!

    I live in Oklahoma. I have been reading your blog for a long time, so thank you for sharing this journey you are on. I think you are living your vocation right now. If you think of it in that way, does it help with the why? My grandparents were both Polish and my great grandparents came to America in 1918 from Poland. I think my name is Kasia too in Polish (if you pronounce it like Kasha because that is what they used to say to me). I wish I would have been more attentive to the Polish when I was a child! So dumb of me! I admire what you are doing and just wanted to send you a message of encouragement is all. Hang in there!

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    1. Yes, I agree about living my vocation, it helps with the why but also hurts more when I fail, know what I mean, as if I am betraying myself somehow and letting negativity and really just plain temptation overwhelm me and distract me from my true focus. But then that is the struggle always, no matter where we live. If you ever have the desire to visit your grandmother's homeland we are here and have plenty of room to host visitors...I am sincerely waiting for one of my readers to take m up on this....

      Thank you for the encouragement! It helps, it really does, and I promise, one of these days to get back to the fun, "why is this country so crazy?" posts. ;)

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    2. Sorry, that should say "great grandparents"!

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  2. Olivia, you're so right in saying that only you can make yourself happy in this country, that nobody is going to create happiness for you, it is all about you. I feel the same way. At the beginning I tried to blame others, but then I realized that it was MY choice and MY decision to move overseas and that it is only me who can make America my home. Sure, I feel very unsecured and every second day I feel like I should pack my stuff and just go. But this is easy to do, more difficult is to stay and try to make it work. I also like this sentence "America is wonderful and full of wonderfulness, and just oozes wonderfulality." See, I could say the same about Poland, and Krakow in particular :)

    Have a safe trip to TX and enjoy every day of your stay there! No wonder you feel anxious, it can sometimes feel weird being in a place that used to be your home. It is still your home, but it is the second home, your first home is now in Krk. I've got this feeling very often.

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    1. "At the beginning I tried to blame others, but then I realized that it was MY choice and MY decision to move overseas and that it is only me who can make America my home. Sure, I feel very unsecured and every second day I feel like I should pack my stuff and just go. But this is easy to do, more difficult is to stay and try to make it work."

      Yes! Exactly! If I turned and ran from everything hard, I would have nothing worthwhile! If it turns out that we have to return because of me, I want it to be because I tried my best and actually was happy here, and then just decided that it's not what I want anymore. You know what I mean?

      I am looking forward to going home, although feeling like I don't really belong there anymore, but this is normal I think. And it's ok. And es, Krakow is my home, even though it doesn't feel like "home" all the time, it is home, and I know that. It's good.

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  3. Olivia,
    First of all: congrats on the baby! Such a wonderful news! Are all older siblings excited?

    I'm not surprised with your mixed feelings. I call it "emigrant's schizophrenia" ;)
    It is easy to say "step out of your comfort zone", "think outside of the box" to learn, experience new culture - but it is pretty darn hard on a daily bases. I do know that loneliness and not belonging feeling so well! And speaking same language but knowing that "they" have no clue what I'm talking about. It gets better but it is a long process. And there are these bad days when... you know... Sending you lots of virtual but real support :D

    Anyways:
    Have a great time with your family in TX. Hopefully that will help you feel better!

    Take care!

    p.s. I would be wonderful to meet you guys in Krk one day (when I will be going to visit my (first = where I grew up) home and family in PL).

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    1. Yes, all that you say makes sense. There are some day where I am truly thrilled at what we are doing, others where I am completely breathless, thinking "what the heck is happening to me?"

      I am looking for perspective on my trip to Texas, as well as reconnecting with family and friends. I think it's really going to help to clarify a lot of things in my mind. Sort of unveil the mystery between the two countries and let me see what is really between them that is so different/difficult/amazing. Does that make sense?

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  4. If I had a dream and then met my husband who liked my dream and promised to make it happen with me, and then it would turn out that achieving and living that dream would make him utterly miserable - something we wouldn't have had anticipated, I would release him of his promise because I love him. Because I could not watch a person I love be miserable even as he's trying to make it work and be happy. I could not enjoy my dream if my loved one suffered because of it. I am sure he would do the same for me. So, while I'm reading about your pain, I really really feel for you, but sometimes I cannot stop wondering where is Martin in all that. I sounds like you're struggling all alone. Like it's only your burden to bear. I hope I'm wrong.

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  5. P.S. I am married to an American born and raised in the US who regularly goes to Poland with me and does not feel comfortable there. We live in the US. Nevertheless we're considering living in Poland part-time when we retire.

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  6. I've got to say that this has occurred to me as well..
    "If I had a dream and then met my husband who liked my dream and promised to make it happen with me, and then it would turn out that achieving and living that dream would make him utterly miserable - something we wouldn't have had anticipated, I would release him of his promise because I love him. Because I could not watch a person I love be miserable even as he's trying to make it work and be happy. I could not enjoy my dream if my loved one suffered because of it. I am sure he would do the same for me. So, while I'm reading about your pain, I really really feel for you, but sometimes I cannot stop wondering where is Martin in all that. I sounds like you're struggling all alone. Like it's only your burden to bear. I hope I'm wrong."

    I hope you and your family can find a solution that works for all of you! Sending virtual hugs from the Polish/Canadian/American gal. Both of my parents were born in Poland, as were my husband's parents. He and I were born in Canada and moved to the other side of the continent in the U.S. when our first child was 1o months old and where our second child was born. Been here for 23 years now. I still feel Polish first, Canadian second and American third. I am very lucky that I didn't have any language or large cultural hurdles to deal with, like you are doing, "only" missing family and friends who were all of a sudden 2500 miles away, pre-Internet. Heck, a phone call home to talk to my mom was 70 cents a minute on the weekends during "cheap" rate time. This was a huge improvement from my Mom's predicament... a letter to Poland taking about 2 months and another 2 months waiting for a reply. No phones in her Polish village home (where her nephew still lives with his family) until about 10-15 years ago.

    I really feel for you, and do hope that you can find real happiness soon, both of you. Unhappy parent(s) definitely affect their kids in all sorts of ways. It is clear you love your husband and children a great deal. Please keep speaking with your husband until you can find a really good answer that works for both of you!

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  7. "..... I although feeling like I don't really belong there anymore, but this is normal I think." I often get this feeling. But then I just tell to myself that oh well, I have 2 homes, one in Krakow, another in DC, and they are very far away, but I can't help to consider them my homes. The only question is which one is #1 and #2. And here is this heartbreaking dilemma...I guess that for you is the the first time to go back to Texas after your big move. I have already been home in Krakow twice since my move to DC in May'12, and these two visits were very emotional. Mix of feelings. Huge excitement that I will see my loved ones and my favorite places, this crazy feeling to go to all my favorite places, to eat all favorite meals and so on... Huge sadness at the airport while saying 'goodbye' and this horrible feeling at the airport in Dulles "what am i doing here?!" I hope it will be easier for you. It seems that you have a great husband and kids, and I am sure that they will be there for you.

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  9. Just want to say...been reading your posts the last few days and found them very interesting and amusing...you have a real talent for writing and expressing yourself very honestly and with lovely humour...your observations, insights and comments really help me get a feel for living in Poland (I am Irish and married to a Polish man...we feel God is calling us to live there....sometime...somehow...). God bless and please keep up the posts (where do you get the time??!!) x

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    1. Hi Tracy! Thanks for your comment! I don't really have the time which is why my blogging is sporadic at best. Let me know if you ever get to visit Krakow! We love visitors. :)

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  10. I most definitely will! I see we have much in common re the important things in life...... Thank you for the invitation. Take care x

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