Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Get. Me. Outta Here!!!!!

Martin has been demanding asking politely that I write this quick post so that no one knows thinks he has me locked up with no means of communication, softly singing "If it Wasn't For Texas" while rocking myself to sleep on the cold concrete moth infested ( we have an infestation of moths...not my fault I swear!!) basement floor.

Now to be serious for a second while I let all the caffeine I have imbibed today, that the AAP strongly advises against, settle down....


I think if it were just me and Martin it would be different. But it's not just us. The children are also Polish. They deserve, and I have an obligation, to make sure they know the language and the culture. They have a right to that, Martin has the right to expect it. (If the tables were turned I would also expect that we would be moving to  Texas so they could learn the language and culture at some point, I believe that this is what marrying someone from a different country can bring to the table. If one or the other simply doesn't care, then that works too!). They cannot do this well in America, and they certainly can't have a love for Poland by simply understanding the language (much less speaking it, which is almost impossible to do unless I spoke it fluently). My commitment was not just to get on a plane. It was to raise our children Polish and American. That takes sacrifice on both our parts. It's also an amazing opportunity for them (and me, in the end even though sometimes I don't see it that way) Some day we hope to be able to split our time between the two countries often and  more equally. It is our goal. For now, my commitment and obligation to all of them supercedes and outweighs any of my own unhappiness or inconveniences of being away from my homeland. Which is why I write that my unhappiness is mine to deal with, and that it is something I must conquer. It is the only right thing to do. Stomping my foot and demanding to go home, or dissolving into a depressed mess are not options (although I have done both of these during moments of weakness, no sense in pretending I haven't...ugliness happens). Hard and unpleasant as some of the moments might be, and as difficult as this year has been, staying and making it work is more important.

That is the only thing I can think to say.

 Martin does everything he can to make it better for me but he can't make me miss home less or make it easier for me to understand some of the craziness here. I have to do those things on my own.  I am struggling all alone with being away from home, missing familiarity- from the language, to the culture, to just the tastes (especially during pregnancy) because these are not hardships for anyone else but me... sometimes we have to suffer alone. And sometimes it can be even harder for those who love us to watch us suffer and know there is nothing they can do to alleviate it. As Martin does time and again. Time, it takes time, and sometimes suffering, and knowing that in the end it is worth it. I know it's worth it, because all of this is a part of who they are. Of who I am now. It's not the most important part or the biggest part, but it is a large part, and I am not going to deny them that.

Also, it's only been a year. I hear that's the hardest, the first year. Probably shouldn't be writing emails to people who are asking if they should move to Poland right around the time I'm most likely to tell them to run for the (American) hills.

P.S.
You know...He even lets me have my own money sometimes, just enough to buy an ice cream every now and then, when I get to go out in public. But it makes feel so, so... liberated!

I'M JOKING! Of course. (I sleep upstairs, in a large, comfy bed, that often has crumbs and Lego mini-figures in it and I have my very own cash and credit cards) But I have to add a lighter tone to this because aside from a couple comments on the blog I know there are *at least* 2 other people who are asking themselves these absurd but well intended questions...

What is that man doing to her??!!! (and subsequently....)  Why is she letting him do this to her??!!!! What a pig he is! What a doormat she is! I would never put up with this!!! And there is a lot of walking in frustrated circles and throwing of hands in the air..."well, she brought this on herself, I always knew he had shifty eyes, probably MAKES her have all those babies! (actually, seriously, I had a Polish man shake his finger at me and say "don't let him do that to you" referring to the number and closeness of our children, it was lovely)."

Girl power!




Martin would like to point out that the Texas flag is mostly the Polish flag with just a bit of blue with a star.
What. a pig.





(there is video embedded in this post. to watch it, click on the original post)





20 comments:

  1. Don't believe to her! Martin has two heads, sharp teeth and he keeps Olivia on a short leash. I've been there last week and I've seen her bed under stairs (like Harry Potter's cupboard). Call social services! (I can't do that by myself, because I'm too scared - Martin knows where I live) :]

    But - seriously - I've never though that you are forced to move. You are too smart for that. ;) Yes, I think that you (Martin and you) are a little crazy, that you want to live in this cold hole while you had warm place to raise your poor, now almost frozen, children, but I'm not judging. ;)

    Bring me some sun from Texsas. I'll be after long, dark, dirty winter in Poland, while you come back from sunny Texas with your fresh, warm new child. :D

    (This song about Texsas is sooo moving - why you are doing it to yourself? I've never been in Texas and I almost crying. ;))

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  2. HAHAHAHAHA! I am laughing so hard right now! Thanks for your comment!

    I will bring back as much Texas sun as possible, a new baby, AND a whole new perspective. That's all very exciting!

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    1. I'm still thinking about something I can give you for your "trip" to Texas. It have to be polish, cold and dark (yes, I know, you have Martin, but still...). ;) Maybe I'll figure something out before Martin let you visit me. :>

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    2. You have to think of something I can bring back for you... I've already started thinking about that and I have no idea...maybe just a huge Texas flag for your living room that must be hung or I'll be deeply offended...yes...that sounds good... ;)

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    3. Great idea! Colors are almost polish so I just have to fold it somehow and unfold when you come. :]

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  3. After this song, even I miss Texas... How crazy is that?

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    1. Well you should miss Texas, it's awesome in every way. ;)

      What's even better is the song about Poland that this song inspired this morning between Martin and I.

      "If it wasn't for Poland...." (and it was a HAPPY, FUNNY song...)

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  4. Olivia, thank you for this post, obviously you don't owe anybody any explanation about any decisions you make in life. I think many readers like myself are intrigued by your decision and persistence, hence the desire to understand you better :). This post did help me understand, although it's not the first time you took the time to explain about your children, but you drove it home even more.

    At no point did I think you were doing anything against your will or that Martin may be an abusive husband, It's just that your pain was in your posts, and the mention of Martin in relation to that pain - not so much, so his shadowy figure in the background did seem a little removed. I am sorry if I offended you and Martin. I will continue to cheer you on quietly from now on, how is that?

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    1. Naw, you didn't offend us, I promise. In fact, the question is legitimate and good to address. I think Martin asks himself the same type of questions all the time. "Am I doing this, putting my family through this, for the right reasons?" For now the answer is "yes", and that could change, at some point. It actually took me a while to respond because we spent a lot of time talking about why someone would ask that, and if they have good reason to think that there is some sort of unfairness going on or some sort of obligation that is keeping me oppressed.

      It was a good mental exercise to re-talk about why we're here and why I still want to be here. It is hard to offend me with honest and thought provoking questions. ;)

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    2. ALSO, you might just be the only one who has the guts to ask the question that others are thinking, so, you know, again, girl power! ;)

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    3. I appreciate you being so down to earth about it. Thanks for the compliment, especially that there is a fine line between "having guts" and being... well... Polish! ;)

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  5. Chin up, Olivia and congrats on the baby on the way.

    I have a question about the children and their Polish. Our children learning proper Polish is one of the reasons why we wouldn't return to the US while they are little. They just wouldn't manage to learn proper Polish from contact with just one person, their father. My children are little Polish/American kids but I'd have to say that Polish is the language they prefer. How have you set up their learning Polish within the homeschooling framework? Do they have a private teacher?

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    1. Martin teaches them with a Polish grade school curriculum appropriate tot heir level (so 1st and 2nd grade). They read and write at grade level. It takes time but luckily Martin has the time. We expect them to read and then discuss books in Polish, that sort of thing. They have just now, at least the boys, started talking to Martin exclusively in Polish. This is a big step forward as they never spoke Polish in America. They speak to friends and family in Polish. My oldest has the hardest time because he is still speaking with American sentence structure and that makes him sound like a foreigner and he has the most problems with grammar but otherwise they are doing pretty good. It is a constant question around here, "are they keeping up with the language?" And for now we are happy with their progress, and I'm hoping that as they get older there will be more independent study that I can lead them through without having to be a pro myself. A private tutor is definitely something we will be looking into if we find that they are behind.

      All this being said, they are behind their peers in terms of the language but not because they aren't learning fast enough so much as they have had 8 years of not learning it fluently, they have caught up fast which makes us hopeful.

      The youngest prefers Polish and even has a little Polish accent when speaking English so I figure if we keep having kids here in Poland, half of them will be so fluent you'd never know the difference. 4 kids for America, 4 kids for Poland? Maybe that's how we should do it! (Martin just choked on his soup)

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  6. It sounds like you are really on top of it! We speak English at home and are working hard to scaffold their English language skills. They most certainly are behind in their reading and writing in English and that is a combination of living in Poland and too little time in the day to fit everything in. Polish schools use dictation more often that in the US, so I prepare dictations from their story books in both English and Polish. I think it is time for me to get my hands on some English school books to help them out. Our kids would benefit from the typical reading and spelling books for sure.

    I think 8 children is a wonderful idea (my husband is chocking on his soup) and if I had the possibility (physically and financially), I would have 8 or more!

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  7. I visited your blog after almost year breake - lack of time because of a lot of problems.

    Sorry to hear that you do not feel so comfortable but I am not suprissed a bit.
    I always love kind of american songs like this, with this peace and warmness they bring relief
    to all nervous matters that I have.

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    1. You know, I was expecting some things to be really hard and some awkward moments, even months....but the things that have been the hardest are what I was not expecting. This is what surprised me. Not the difficulties, but what those difficulties actually happened to be, in the end. Quite unexpected in some ways.

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  9. HI Olivia,
    I have been reading your blog, and am just extremely floored by your courage.
    I am Polish and my husband is American and we are raising our son together with him attending polish school here in
    Phoenix, I know it's not the same, and I would love to just pick up and move to Poland, especially since my parents are living there, but for now that is not an option. For now we are sending our son to Poland in the summers to spend time with his grandparents, and for now that is working, and he is excelling in his language abilities. How are things going over there I haven;'t seen a new post for a long time. Hope all is well!

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    1. Karolina then we are in a similar situation! And you are missing your family too. :( It is so great that your son is able to spend the summers here in Poland and that he is not losing the language. What a wonderful opportunity for him. The world is just not so black and white anymore and in some ways that is better. There is no best place to be, it is just whatever is working for you now, whatever is helping to build the best life for you and your family and your future, right now. It can be hard but it's worth it. And it can change in the blink of an eye, and then you deal with that. We are doing well, preparing for a trip home and looking forward to returning and building our home. I am doing my best not to see life as being in parts. America as one and Poland as the other. It is all a part of the same experience and holds the same importance whenever those two places come into play. I am learning how to have two homes very far apart from each other and yet still be able to call them both "home" and have that be a good thing.

      Peace be with you in Arizona. You are very brave as well. It's so hard isn't it? And yet, we do it, and it's ok.:)

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  10. NICE BLOG... AM FOLLOWING PLEASE BACK http://melodyjacob1.blogspot.com

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