Now to be serious for a second while I let all the caffeine I have imbibed today, that the AAP strongly advises against, settle down....
I think if it were just me and Martin it would be different. But it's not just us. The children are also Polish. They deserve, and I have an obligation, to make sure they know the language and the culture. They have a right to that, Martin has the right to expect it. (If the tables were turned I would also expect that we would be moving to Texas so they could learn the language and culture at some point, I believe that this is what marrying someone from a different country can bring to the table. If one or the other simply doesn't care, then that works too!). They cannot do this well in America, and they certainly can't have a love for Poland by simply understanding the language (much less speaking it, which is almost impossible to do unless I spoke it fluently). My commitment was not just to get on a plane. It was to raise our children Polish and American. That takes sacrifice on both our parts. It's also an amazing opportunity for them (and me, in the end even though sometimes I don't see it that way) Some day we hope to be able to split our time between the two countries often and more equally. It is our goal. For now, my commitment and obligation to all of them supercedes and outweighs any of my own unhappiness or inconveniences of being away from my homeland. Which is why I write that my unhappiness is mine to deal with, and that it is something I must conquer. It is the only right thing to do. Stomping my foot and demanding to go home, or dissolving into a depressed mess are not options (although I have done both of these during moments of weakness, no sense in pretending I haven't...ugliness happens). Hard and unpleasant as some of the moments might be, and as difficult as this year has been, staying and making it work is more important.
That is the only thing I can think to say.
Martin does everything he can to make it better for me but he can't make me miss home less or make it easier for me to understand some of the craziness here. I have to do those things on my own. I am struggling all alone with being away from home, missing familiarity- from the language, to the culture, to just the tastes (especially during pregnancy) because these are not hardships for anyone else but me... sometimes we have to suffer alone. And sometimes it can be even harder for those who love us to watch us suffer and know there is nothing they can do to alleviate it. As Martin does time and again. Time, it takes time, and sometimes suffering, and knowing that in the end it is worth it. I know it's worth it, because all of this is a part of who they are. Of who I am now. It's not the most important part or the biggest part, but it is a large part, and I am not going to deny them that.
Also, it's only been a year. I hear that's the hardest, the first year. Probably shouldn't be writing emails to people who are asking if they should move to Poland right around the time I'm most likely to tell them to run for the (American) hills.
You know...He even lets me have my own money sometimes, just enough to buy an ice cream every now and then, when I get to go out in public. But it makes feel so, so... liberated!
I'M JOKING! Of course. (I sleep upstairs, in a large, comfy bed, that often has crumbs and Lego mini-figures in it and I have my very own cash and credit cards) But I have to add a lighter tone to this because aside from a couple comments on the blog I know there are *at least* 2 other people who are asking themselves these absurd but well intended questions...
What is that man doing to her??!!! (and subsequently....) Why is she letting him do this to her??!!!! What a pig he is! What a doormat she is! I would never put up with this!!! And there is a lot of walking in frustrated circles and throwing of hands in the air..."well, she brought this on herself, I always knew he had shifty eyes, probably MAKES her have all those babies! (actually, seriously, I had a Polish man shake his finger at me and say "don't let him do that to you" referring to the number and closeness of our children, it was lovely)."
Martin would like to point out that the Texas flag is mostly the Polish flag with just a bit of blue with a star.
What. a pig.
(there is video embedded in this post. to watch it, click on the original post)