Friday, August 30, 2013

Blogging in response to an email

I got an email from someone who found my blog looking for info. on homeschooling in Poland. This happens more often than I ever thought it would. This particular time I decided to just lay it all out there in response to some of her questions and then some of my own thoughts. . And then decided not to send the email. You'll know why shortly. I am telling you all this for a couple reasons. 1) it was in response to an email. I didn't go google crime rates in Poland or how religious everyone is and what they think of women. If I'm wrong about all that, fine. I don't care. I've been here a year and I have simply shared my impressions. And it's an email and I am not a professional writer. 2) You will be able to tell by reading the email exactly why I haven't been writing for the past couple months. I thought of several different ways to re-enter this space but I really have nothing clever up my sleeve or any pretty pictures to show. I just have this. And that's all I have. I also know that my family and Martin's family will be reading this. And some of my friends. They'll love me anyway, or else they never really loved me in the first place. ;) 


Hi  ----------!
Sorry it took me so long to respond. We are currently juggling our new chickens, first days of schooling and I am deep in the throes of  morning sickness with baby #5. It has not been pretty around here. Interesting and educational and busy-yes, but not pretty. ;)

Moving to Poland! So I have to ask, why? Or rather, what besides the current state of America, is compelling you to move here? I ask because there are some days where I know that my life would be easier in America and I have to remind myself why we're here. And yet, these days, I am really missing home. So, perhaps this email is not going to be exactly what you asked for but I'll do my best.

Crime in Poland? I feel safer here than I ever did in America. Random crimes against women and children are almost non existent. The chance of child abduction, pedophiles hunting children, random acts of violence between strangers, etc. almost non existent. Happens, but so rarely. I can let my kids run around the neighborhood and know that there are no predators trolling around looking for kids to snatch. No joke, I worried about this in American suburbs. The common Pole still has respect for women and children. People value human life here more so than they do in America, at least in a "right to life" kind of way, even if they are having a bad day and are completely rude to you, they would still  demand that you have the right to live. That sounds dramatic but I feel like in America people will be nice to your face but think nothing of hitting you with their car and then driving away. I'd much rather live in a country that lets me live and is rude to me otherwise than in a country that's sweet to me but cares not if I die. Most of the really violent crimes are committed between gangs and hooligans who are basically people with no jobs and lots of idle time and they carry weapons around to defend their turf. You and your children, and most likely your husband will never even see these people much less come into contact with them. And they would probably still open the door for you if you were in front of them at the store. It's odd, I know, but there it is. There is no gun violence of any kind. No one has guns. You can own a gun for hunting but otherwise people do not have guns. I have never worried about "abandoned packages" or "guys in trench coats" or anything like that. Not the way I might in America. It's actually something I don't think about often but it's fairly liberating and I completely take it for granted. Because Poland is a predominantly Catholic country and really does not care if other people think it's too conservative or not most liberal groups or religious groups with agendas tend to leave it alone. It's a hard country to infiltrate with liberal or wacky religious ideals. Although, to be fair, the older generations that had to fight the Communists to practice their religion freely, are dying out and the younger generations are not so protective of the faith and morality of their parents. So, this will influence the culture, and it might influence the crime rates as well.

Homeschooling in Poland as an American citizen is really easy. You don't have to do anything. No tests or anything like that. You're seen as a foreigner and so they don't care how you teach your children. If your husband intends to establish citizenship (which I believe he could easily do) then the children would then automatically also be Polish citizens. Then they would have to register with a school that allows homeschooling and take a yearly test. This is not hard to do, but it can be a challenge to keep them up to speed with their Polish if you or your husband are not able to read and write fluently in Polish, etc. You could always seek a tutor in this instance.My advice would just to have them be foreigners, but then you also have to have permission to stay in the country and unless your husband is a citizen and you can get all the necessary permits it will be harder to stay. So, that's a lot to think about. Also, if your husband is a citizen you also have to pay taxes to both countries, or at least file taxes in both countries, depending on how much money he makes a year will determine how much he pays to each country. Again, lots to think about.

And now I'm going to tell you something about my personal experience and hope it doesn't scare you away completely. ;) This has been the loneliest, most frustrating, hardest year of my life. It has been hard on our marriage, hard on our children (mostly because it's been hard on me) and it has tested every bit of my strength, and faith and will. Some of this is just due to our situation. We are living in a horrible house that I absolutely hate, but it's free and so I feel guilty every time I complain. It really is horrible. I believe it breaks every single rule of Fung Shui and I don't even know what that is (or how to spell it). There is a considerable lack of "consolidation of goods" here. Every time I try to come up with a new craft or project or fun adventure for our schooling.I cannot just hop out to Hobby Lobby or Joanns or other big box craft store, I have to hunt. Every little store, online shop, and ebay type place. And I have to figure out the right words first to know what I'm hunting for. Often times I just give up, and it is even more defeating. I can only spend so much time online searching before I want to explode. It has taken me an entire year to know what brands are good quality and which or not, which foods are good quality, and which are not, where to shop, what to buy. Not such a huge deal but I have to do all of this with no one to talk to about the hard days (except my husband, but really , on these days I dont want help, I want another mother with 4 kids in tow that understands why it matters that I have to go to 5 different stores to gather objects for one project and why I can't just forget about the project and move on!) and no one to talk to about homeschooling challenges or general child rearing challenges. There is no one to talk to about the issues I care about, family issues and politics, and just general discussion, some of which involve America. It is my country and I care about it, I want to talk about it.  There are people, I have made friends, and they are kind and helpful, but the cultural differences are so acute sometimes that it as if we are speaking two different languages even though we are speaking in English (although even then there are words that they don't know in English and I don't know in Polish and it's so hard expressing your feelings in broken Polish or simple English). And how do you tell someone you just met that you are miserable, because they cannot imagine what it is like to be this far away from everything they've known, and how shallow does it sound that you are miserable because you can't find plain Popsicle sticks in the store (if only it was just Popsicle sticks) and you can't stand your house, when they live in a one bedroom apartment? You can't, so you smile and nod and chat about the kids. It's fine, but sometimes it makes the loneliness worse and I think it's better just not to try. 

I do not think any of this is Poland's fault, I really don't. Talk to any Pole who has emigrated to the states and they'll tell you it is. Talk to any Pole here who has never lived anywhere else, and they'll tell you, "that's just Poland". But you know what, it's not. You could not pay me to live in Italy or France, in some ways Poland is closer to living in America than many other countries I've visited. They value convenience, personal freedom ( in a roundabout and often twisted way, but it's there), and large coffees! ;) It is not Poland's fault.  It is hard for Americans to leave America.I  truly believe this with all of my heart. I do not see this as a handicap or a deficiency, no one can tell me that it's necessary to be able to move countries and be happy for you to be a stable and enlightened individual. It just is the way it is. America is unique, and its isolated. Two qualities which create a certain type of person that finds it hard to leave, adapt, fit in, and embrace what the rest of the world offers. It's not until you really live outside of America for some time before you realize just how "American" you are AND what that really means.  I (and you, so it seems) have chosen a lifestyle that breeds inconvenience. 4 kids, AND you homeschool?! Are you crazy?!! But I have chosen it because I see value in it and a "goodness" that is not found anywhere else. But I also relied on the convenience of America, the ease with which I floated around, to cushion the discomfort and sometimes overwhelmingness that comes from caring for and educating my children 24/7. I took it all for granted because that's all I knew. But then we moved here. So very few of the same conveniences, the same comfort (there are conveniences and comforts but they aren't the SAME, and that is what makes it hard...who cares if I can buy any kind of plastic button ever created in the world, you don't have a single one made out of wood!!), and I have to do it all alone. Or rather, for the time being, I must do it alone. No grandmas or homeschool support groups. No calling up my single brother to babysit any night of the week so I can go out for a drink with friends. It's lonely, so lonely, and has turned what I considered to be a noble and fruitful endeavor, homeschooling and raising my large family, into drudgery, and that makes me sad and depressed. If I grew up in Poland I wouldn't know the difference. But I didn't. I grew up in America, and it's been really hard. ( I also have to add that if I had moved here maybe younger, without children, single, or newly married, I might have a different attitude. I have no way of knowing that, it's just a hunch.)

And if I haven't scared you away yet, I will say this... that doesn't mean it's not worth it. I am having a really hard time right now finding the worth in it, true. Pregnancy has actually just made this move harder and the desire to be home more acute. But we also have a lot to look forward to. We are building a house, we are trying to organize at least a few homeschoolers around our area for more support. Children adapt so quickly and make friends in a heart beat. There are neighborhood kids and homeschool friends with children that we see regularly. My children speak Polish very well and no one knows the difference when they go out to play.I think they would be happier if I was happier but I also know that God gives children graces that protect them from some of their parents more faulty moments. I also feel, in the end, that if I can do this, and do it on my own terms (which means not compromising on a bigger family and homeschooling) then I will have accomplished something worthwhile. My whole family will benefit from it, as long as we can survive this rough patch. As long as I can survive it. 

I stopped writing here. "As long as I can survive it" is pretty much a show stopper for a"hey-I-found-your-blog-and-have-a-couple-questions" email.  Geez Louise.  Am I right? (I fully reserve the right to be happy here, in this country, exactly one day from now or 10 years from now and not have this thrown back in my face. Moments in time, people, moments in time)



36 comments:

  1. Oh how I feel every word you have written...except now I'm reading it and feeling it from the safety and comfort (well, relatively speaking, in a gun-violence and road rage sort of way) of an American suburb.

    I truly believe you are doing one of the HARDEST THINGS A WOMAN COULD EVER DO. And you know what makes it both harder and easier, ironically? The internet. Mass communication. The ability to look at what you 'had' and measure it constantly against what you 'have' now. Pioneer women and 18th century immigrants didn't have that luxury, but they also didn't have that liability. There was no 'outlet' via Skype or Pinterest for reminiscence over the old life. It was just The New Life. Live it or die trying. I think that makes modern day immigration both easier and much, much more challenging, from a mental health perspective.

    I am praying for you and for your family, who are blessed much more than they are harmed by your sacrifice, I promise. And who knows, perhaps WYD Krakow will flood Poland with American pilgrims?!

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    1. Thank you for the prayers, Jenny. The internet does it make it harder, for me anyway. I thought Facebook would make it easier because then at least I could communicate in English but it only makes it harder for to see all these people and places, nieces and nephews, and family events that I am not a part of. I have nothing here that is me. I am alone.

      And all the freakin' homeschool blogs with the great science projects and lapbooks and all of that which includes random objects and epsom salts and popsicle sticks... and I cant get my hands on them!!! Maybe I need to stop reading American blogs altogether.

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  2. Hugs Olivia xxxxxx

    I have been worried for you and praying for you... only because your blog was silent and I was worried that you were struggling.

    Love and prayers are crossing the oceans for you.

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    1. Thank you for commenting Michelle. It is so tempting to write about this time in my life but even just this one post is too much. Too much for the www and too much for family and friends. But then how else can anyone know? It's like shouting against the wind. Thank you for the prayers. Please pray for me. This has become bigger than the blog it seems and yet, perhaps the blog can keep me more grounded. We'll see.

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  3. I enjoy your writing (even the hard stuff).
    Will say a prayer for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, Alexis. I accept all prayers, any time you think of us, it is helping. :)

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  4. Congrats Olivia! So happy for you and Martin :)

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    1. Thank you! Don't you just love the suave and anti-climatic way I mention another human being making it's way into the world? I promise the next post will only be photos of cute black and white grainy baby profile swimming in amniotic fluid!

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    2. Are you sure it's ONE baby? :)

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    3. Not sure yet, but that would be a huge surprise. :)

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  5. I hope that the next year will be better. I really want everything will be easier for you. Maybe some day Poland will be more like home.
    Many hugs from me, Olivia. Call/come whenever you want.

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    1. It will be home, someday. I know that. Just not yet. And that's ok too. I nthe mean time I have to say sane and that's the real challenge. ;)

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  6. Hey Olivia, Greetings from Warsaw. We just had our one year anniversary of moving here a few days ago and it is still very surreal. I am about to start my second year teaching here tomorrow and this year I will be teaching two of my three children part time. I am grateful that I get to be with them for one more year and I am sad to be away from my youngest (3 year old) for more than half the day :(

    I agree with a lot of what you say. I let my 6 year old daughter play at the playscape with her friends without me being there. I can look out my window and see the playscape, but I wouldn't have dreamed of this possibility in the states. My biggest complaint here is not owning a car and finding things you need in the store. It really makes no sense even after a year. I have learned about Allegro, but you are right if you don't know the right word to search for things then 'good luck.' I mean how hard is it to type in 'mason jars' and find many different jars... nope!

    It's also hard to be away from my girlfriends and my mom. I miss women I can talk/vent to. My mom and dad were just here a couple of weeks ago and it was so hard to say goodbye :( I have a few women that I am friends with, but we don't go out much and so it's not the same.

    Congratulations on your 5th pregnancy!!! Hang in there and keep your head up. I miss Austin too (except the heat)!!! By the way, we spent 3 days in Crakow this summer and it was amazing!! We live in Warsaw which is a pretty modern city in comparison. Take care!

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    1. Christina,
      You wont believe this but I actually think of you a lot. From Texas, moved to Poland a year ago. I wonder how you are. I'm guessing you don't cry and scream at your house and demand to know why you're here every other day. Your comment is much too tame and sane. ;)

      Yes, Warsaw is much more modern than Krakow, we have even entertained the idea of moving there until our house is built to see if I feel a little more at "home." But Martin's family is here, and if we moved then we would really be alone. ;)

      We will be living in Poland, in some form or another, for the rest of my life. I figure I have about 50-60 more years, God willing, to figure out where to find things. The first year is just so hard, I might just give up entirely on anything made out of popsicle sticks.


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    2. 50-60 more years? Wow, you are optimistic. :D

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    3. Hey, I said one form or another... once I'm 90 I figure I wont care where I'm living so long as they face my wheelchair towards a window and give me an I.V. of Dr. Pepper. I found Dr. Pepper at Carrefour in Czyzynny, Monika. Czyzynny!! There is hope for this old lady.

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    4. So Dr. Pepper was so close all this time!
      Maybe I try it one day. I'm still Dr. Pepper virgin.

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  7. Hey Olivia
    I sent you an email. Not sure if you got it?!
    Janine

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  8. Hi, have you tried to look for popsicle sticks and epsom salts at drugstore? Popsicle sticks should be easy to get there as "pałeczki lekarskie", "szpatułki drewniane" or "szpatułki lekarskie" (like the ones that some doctors use to peep into patients' throats), at least I hope so. They are also here: http://allegro.pl/zdrowie?string=szpatu%C5%82ki+drewniane&search_scope=wszystkie+dzia%C5%82y&department=wszystkie+dzia%C5%82y
    And epsom salts is quite well known as "gorzka sól".
    But still, I get your point - it's not about popsicle sticks. You are very brave and dedicated to your family and I keep my fingers crossed that you'll feel more comfortable in Poland someday as well as I believe that this "cultural loneliness" can be somehow overcome.

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    1. And one more thing: I was inspired by you to try this famous Dr. Pepper for the first time. So, when I saw it in Biedronka lately, I bought a bottle and... didn't really like it! It's good news though - there is more waiting just for you, somewhere in all these Biedronkas:).

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  9. Hi, I've followed your blog for some time. It's a very emotional post, and it makes you a very brave person. I am impressed that you decided to move to PL from TX, that are truly two different worlds. I moved to the U.S. one year ago, and I miss my Krakow every day. I struggle with the same problems. I do not have kids yet, only husband. Can you tell me why you do not want to give up on this Polish adventure and move back to TX? I'm struggling with the same dilemma and just would like to know how to you explain this decision to yourself...

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    1. "Explain this decision to myself" I like the idea of that. Personal pep talks and and reminders. Yes, plenty of those. I would like to answer this in a post because I think it's an important question. If you don't mind. Please check back in a couple days.

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    2. Can't wait to read your post! Curious to find out if our pep talks are similar...

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  10. Olivia I was checking in periodically to see if you posted something and was getting worried as well. I am glad you posted, even just to vent. Sometimes it helps to just put your feelings into words, name them and let them out. And then look at them and let go without judging. God is with you even in the loneliness and you and your precious family are in my prayers. I moved from Poland to Germany and then after 10 years we moved to the States. When my husband was deployed I was asking myself the same question. What in the world am I doing here? But there is a greater plan and who are we to question it. He will make a way. And it is not so much about surviving as about enduring. Because there will be good days when you come across a tongue depressor in the pharmacy (as posted by someone else that is a better bet then looking for Popsicle sticks.) Or switch to crafts made with toothpicks - or become rich distributing american Popsicle sticks. Who knows...and you just learn to do without. Without certain foods, without certain items, without certain people. It is hard, but it eventually happens, we are incredibly adaptable beings and you will find joy in other things. I lived in the States for 12 years now.
    If at all possible save up some money for a US visit - I think it would do you good to come here with empty suitcases and get some shopping and talking done. Or at least have stuff sent to you and get on the phone for an hour or two.
    And a big congratulations on your 5th baby to be !!! I am very excited for you guys. Good things are fixing to sprout :o)

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    1. Martina, we are going to the U.S> soon! I can't wait but am also apprehensive...

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  11. Hang in there Olivia. You guys are always welcome to come visit us here in Nowy Sacz to speak some English, eat some BBQ, and vent a bit to those that made the same move you did. Congrats on baby-to-be #5!!

    Witek

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    1. Thanks Witek. I have wondering how y'all are doing...how are you doing?! Is it all going smoothly?

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    2. So far so good! Just super busy with the house as I'm sure you guys are (and trying to balance work and family as well).

      Just wanted to say it'll be much better once you are out of your temporary place and into your BRAND NEW home (hopefully with big windows towards that beautiful view). I think the non-optimal living conditions are what's also bringing a drag to the entire move.

      Hope y'all are doing well.

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  12. Hi Olivia!
    My name is Danielle, I am also American (from MI) and am also married to a Polish man. We have lived here for 9 years and were married here 11 years ago...good lord it does not seem that long ago. At the time of our wedding I had been in this country for 3 whole months and spoke almost no English. I would be happy to help you figure out words, search Allegro, help you find crafty stuff (as I spend a lot of time trying to find those things for my craft obsessed daughter), chat with you about expat life and be a fellow sometimes lonely expat friend if you would like to get to know me! You can find me on FB under Danielle Partridge Hryniewicz.
    I went through much of the same feelings and issues that you laid out in your email above during my first few, very tough, years. I know it is cliche, but it really does get better. I spent my first few years asking constantly when are we going to move home, now after this long this is home and I could never imagine moving back.
    Best wishes, Danni

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    1. What a great comment! Thank you Danielle, for posting. It is always comforting to hear that all of my hang ups are not just me. You know? And I have to remind myself that I normal for feeling this way. That doesn't mean I can wallow init, but it does mean I'm not alone. I will find you on Facebook, definitely!

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    2. You are very welcome Olivia. I really do mean it that I am willing to help. I recall my first few years and was so lonely for some who who could actually understand what I was going through. It is not easy being an expat. Heck it is still hard sometimes. I will catch up on your newest post later today! And congratulations on your pregnacy, your children are just beautiful! I wanted to ask you, do you get all of your homeschool materials from the states? How do you have things shipped to you?

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  13. Congratulations on the baby! It was so hard to enjoy my last pregnancy (at 45!) because of the external stress in my life. I was sustained by prayers from friends and strangers. I'll be praying for you!
    This prayer always gives me peace. I rarely say it without tears:

    O St. Joseph whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the Throne of God, I place in you all my interests and desires. O St. Joseph do assist me by your powerful intercession and obtain for me from your Divine Son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ, Our Lord; so that having engaged here below your Heavenly power I may offer my Thanksgiving and Homage to the Loving of Fathers. O St. Joseph, I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while He reposes near your heart. Press him to my name and kiss His fine Head for me, and ask Him to return the Kiss when I draw my dying breath. St. Joseph, Patron of departing souls, pray for us. Amen

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    1. Thank you for the congratulations! And thank you for the prayer. St. Joesph is the patron saint of families is he not? And so perhaps we should have this prayer mounted on every wall of our home. Thank you for posting it here.

      Ironically, although being ill because of pregnancy is hard, it has helped me to be more joyful. It's hard to be really down when there is something so great waiting for you at the end.

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  15. Olivia,
    I am so sorry we lost contact. Do you remember me?? We were supposed to be moving to Peru in the spring of 2012, canceled it, and then we decided to move again in Jan of this year. We are now coming up on the one year mark.
    I got pregnant during the stress of packing and selling the house, and spent the better part of packing and moving with morning sickness, caring for my then six month old, and two other preschoolers.
    The last year of my life has been the hardest, almost exactly as you describe, for the exact same reasons. On top of that, my mother in law was in bed, dying from cancer for the first five months, so nothing I felt or needed would matter b/c it wasn't quite as critical as what the family was going thru with her.
    As I read your post to my husband, he laughed out loud, asking me if I had written it myself. Getting pissed off b/c I can't buy fabric to make a matchbox car holder for my son without going to the most dangerous and nasty part of town (here in Lima) is something that nobody really understands.
    We should seriously email each other more often. I think we'd have a lot to talk about.
    BIG hugs,
    Heather

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    1. Yes, of course I remember you! Wow, one year in Peru. And pregnant with baby #4! Congratulations on your newest baby, I know packing and moving and everything can be so much harder when pregnant. It sounds as though while my year has been rough, yours could be made into a Lifetime movie. ;) Gosh, I hope things are getting better. Of course, I'll email you! I'll also find you on Facebook again.

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